I made my peace with TX.

As I flew in to the San Antonio airport, I had a feeling of dread. I felt a little deflated too. The 4 years I spent in TX was rough and I wasn't excited to visit the place of so many struggles. The first two days I had thoughts that burdened me. I thought of the migraines and ER visits. I thought of the loneliness. I thought of the desperation. I thought of the sickness. It was yucky. And then at the end of a lunch date with some friends, those thoughts started to dispel.

I slowly pushed away the negative with the positive. The silver lining and goodness that was hard to detect when I lived there reminded me, it had always been there.

N- One of the very first people I met before I even moved to SA was, as usual, incredibly generous. She offered me a place to stay. I ended up staying at our house though, her family was stricken with a miserable stomach bug. She did, however, offer to let me use a bazillon of her tools. Seeing her reminded me of her kindness. In the course of 4 years, I spent at least one major holiday with her family, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Years. I'm glad I know her.

A- hosted at lunch for me at her house. I remembered her kindness when she drove me to the airport one Christmas. She got rear ended on the way. I was, of course, panicked. What she did has remained with me ever since. She got out of the car and the girl who rear ended us was crying. Instead of being upset, A gave her a hug to comfort her. I carry that image in my heart. I was a very powerful moment.

There were people I didn't get to see that were a large blessings to me while I was there. One couple who took me in and loved me dearly had moved away. My roommate, who was an answer to prayers had also moved away. A dear friend who supported me and comforted me and taught me, lives elsewhere.

I learned a lot about myself while I lived in SA. I learned about my health, my body, my desires, my marriage and my faith in God. I am a better person because of it. It has taken time to heal from what happened while I was there. But I am now able to see the blessings that were with me.

I made peace there and I won't mind going back.

Before I end this post, I need to share a list. I had a long list of things to accomplish in a short amount of time. I'm going to post it here, just because it feels good to see all that I did. Yay me and yay for lists.

Purchased touch up paint for all of the rooms. 

Touched up the paint in all of the rooms.

Power washed the driveway, sidewalk to the front door, door step and the back patio.

Filled a joint between the front sidewalk and the house.

Tested the sprinkler system.

Pruned the trees.

Stained the fence.

Cleaned the dryer vent.

Placed fill dirt by the fence and patio. (I hauled over 500 lbs, thank you very much)

Removed the fridge.

And, I made at least a dozen trips to each Home Depot and Lowes. People started to recognize me. "Hey, how did that paint work out?"

I got to reward myself with a dinner at Rudy's. Simply the best BBQ in TX. 

O and my pending trip to TX

So, whenever O doesn't like something or want to do something, she calls it ugly. For example, if she doesn't want to eat something, "MOM, I don't want (whatever) it's too UGLY!!!" Or, "I don't want to go to the park, it's too UGLY!!!" I try really hard to hold the laughter in when she's adamant it's ugly. I'm just glad it's her cuss word. I can handle ugly.

The pre school O attends focuses on a letter each week. O has a friend, Torri, and when the letter of the week was "V", Torri insisted she be called by her given name, Victoria. As a result, O informed us she'd changed her name to Victoria. Okay.. The funny part of this story happened at the park. We went to the park one day without our friends so O had to make new friends. She told them her name was Victoria. I heard them calling for her across the playground. I laughed and laughed. Seriously, what a character.

O loves Veggie Tales. One day I asked LT if he wanted cucumber on his salad. O dramatically said, "DON'T eat Larry".

O is REALLY into The Phantom of the Opera right now. She will put it on repeat and sing along. It's really cute, most of the time. Last night, however, she was awake at 3:30, singing.

O started T-Ball. For weeks leading up to it she told me how ugly it was and that she didn't want to play. 3 of her friends are on the team and we knew once she started, she would really like it. The day of the first  practice she decided it wasn't ugly anymore.

I have no clue what she is doing in this picture. But it's funny.

Getting her hat from Coach Joe

Practicing the swing.

CONTACT!!

In other news, I'm going to TX this week to do some maintenance on our home there. We are in between tenants so it's the perfect time. I've had mixed feelings leading up to this trip, and even a nightmare. TX was a hard place for me. I realize what I experienced there could have happened anywhere we lived. I can honestly say, it was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I was tried and tested. So, I'm not thrilled to return to the place that holds many bad memories. And on the flip side, my experiences brought me to a level of faith that I that really sealed me to the Lord. A part of me is settled about going back so I can appreciate who I am now. I met some genuinely salt of the earth people there and I'm excited to connect with them again. If I have time when I return, I'll post about my experiences there.

Our house, O and her hair.

Ah, the good life! We will be moving in a couple of months to a property that has just about all that we've wanted in a house. Our closing date is quite some time away, but we've received permission to clear vines and debris from the yard. So, we've spent a couple of hours each week clearing the back 40. ha ha ha. At least, that is what it feels like. Here are some pictures I took while we were there last Saturday. I'd like to take you on a mini tour of our soon to be home.

Here is the doghouse which is across from the garage. O is CONVINCED we are getting a dog. We are NOT getting a dog, but we do plan to get chickens. I'm working on clearing the fenced area so we can try the chickens in there.

Here is the greenhouse that is attached to the garage. I'm so very, very excited to get busy in there. I plan to grow wheatgrass so I can juice it and use it in my green smoothies. (Side note about green smoothies at the Hill household. When I started making them, O refused to drink them based on the color, and you know what, I couldn't blame her. They didn't look so appealing. Since I really wanted to get more veggies in our diet I had to get sneaky and make them when she was out of the kitchen. I put hers in a colored cup with a lid and she drank from a straw. Today, she saw me make it, and it was a bright green one today and she actually drank the entire smoothie. Hooray for success.)

Here is the path from the driveway to the addition to the front house. O calls the addition her ballroom or dance hall. When you see a picture from the inside, you'll know why.

Here is the ballroom from the front of the house.

The ballroom once again. You can see more of the house in this picture. LTs truck is in the driveway by the garage.

This is on the side of the house opposite the dog house. The driveway to our home is not pictured but would be on the right. You can't see the main road in this picture, but it is at the top of the hill.

If you pan right from the previous picture this is what you see. The driveway is beyond the ivy. You can also see our neighbors house past the trees.

One of the pretty dogwood blossoms in the front yard.

This is a view of a portion of the backyard. We've got a lot of clearing to do to get it how we want it.

This is the backyard and I am walking toward the greenhouse and garage.

More backyard.

The little roof on the right is the doghouse. The greenhouse is on the left at the edge of the house.

And here, my friends, is the

GRAND BALLROOM!!

It has 5 sets of sliding glass doors.

Here is the former front door of the home. The ballroom is behind me. You can see into the hallway and you can even see a chair at the kitchen table.

O has become intensely interested in doing her own hair. Most days she sneaks off into her bathroom and comes out with just about every thing she owns pinned on her head. I get a real kick out of it and I don't tell her to take it out. I love that she likes to play with how it looks. Here are some pictures of just one of her creations. Enjoy. (Also, she is wearing her favorite dress from last summer and she is determined to wear it every day of this summer. You may see a lot of it.)

Moody

Well, March holds the recent record for migraines. I ended up taking medicine over 17 times. That's a bit scary since my insurance only allows 9 pills a month. It's a good thing I have an exception from that rule. The reason why I'm bringing it up is because when I have to take an imitrex at night, I can't take one of my anxiety pills.  I missed a day here and there, and then I ended up missing 2 days in a row. A few days later, I had to deal with the moods.

(One of my friends is really open about her struggles with her MI and reading her blog posts remind me I'm not all that crazy and I'm not alone in my mood swing world. I know I don't have many readers on this blog, but I do know some of them and I do know they struggle with some of the same things. My hope in posting this is, it will help them in a way my friends blog helps me.)

So, back to the mood story. There is nothing worse and more inconvenient than having to leave reality and live in the murky world of depression. I'm so grateful I know enough to recognize when I'm not in my healthy mind, but it is still very annoying. I just want to open up and tell someone I'm feeling down, but I'm afraid they don't want to hear it, which is, ironically, part of the mood swing.

The first part of the mood swing brought a lot of weepiness, over the silliest things too. Then, the depression hit. I'm still able to function but my mind is filled with all sorts of horrible thoughts that are magnified and big. It's like all of my insecurities are brought up and waved in front of my face to shame me.  I'm too weird. I'm not like anyone else. People don't like me. I never know what to say and end up saying the wrong thing. No one invites me to do things with them. I'm not likable, and on and on. Aren't those thoughts just terrible? Like I stated before, I'm blessed to know the healthy reality that exists outside of the mood.

Also, the feeling of hopelessness is heavy. It's hard to laugh. I end up being grumpy for a bit. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything. I'm still responsible and do things,  it just takes a lot more effort than usual. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. At least, I know it's all chemical, it will resolve itself soon and I'll be okay.

I realize all of this is depressing to read, but here comes the best part. The mood eventually goes away. What great news! And when it does go away, I'm always in awe of how ugly those feelings were and I delight that they are gone. I know everyone has things in life that they just have to deal with, and this is mine. I don't feel like I'm the victim of some horrible injustice. I'm just grateful it's something I can handle. I can think of a bazillion other things I'd rather not deal with. This one is mine and that's okay.

BJ Hill

I met this really cool guy years ago at a Scout Camp. (I think it was 1995) Our Stake went to the Island Park Scout Camp one year. I was the leader over the YCLs at the time, so I heard all of the girl talk about the cute boys who worked at camp. BJ was one they talked a lot about. Not only was he cute, but he was from Mass and had a cool accent.

After the camp season was over he visited a bunch of us in Pocatello. He stayed at my house and I don't really remember very much about his visit. I do remember we got shaved ice. Hum.. Well, we stayed in touch and over the years I've been able to vicariously share in his adventures.

He's one of those guys who does all of the crazy things I dream of doing but don't dare. He taught English in Japan for quite some time. While on his break from teaching in Japan, he volunteered in Afghanistan. I may not have all of the details correct, but it was either Afghanistan or Iraq. I think it was shortly after the start of the war. Anyway I thought that was the coolest thing. I would never dare to venture off with out knowing anyone and live in a foreign country.

When he graduated from college his mother gave him a Greyhound bus pass that allowed him to travel all around the country. He visited friends in Pocatello and my mum. I came up to see him. He met my brand new niece and nephew. I remember he was holding W who was probably only a month old. She started to fuss and in a kind of surprised and awkward way he said to her, "That's enough of that now." For some reason that memory has stayed with me. It was really funny. He also visited me a few weeks later in Salt Lake. I made him sleep out in a tent in our backyard. Ha, poor guy. I was living with 3 other girls and our rule was no boys spending the night. My friend Jana was much nicer and let him sleep inside her apartment. He visited again a year or so later. I was married to LT then. I remember we watched a Star Wars movie and I painted my toenails. (Ya, I remember the strangest things.)

He worked for a season with Americorps doing all sorts of cool service oriented projects. He volunteered with the Red Cross when Katrina hit New Orleans. He taught Special Education for a year. He is a writer and a walker. One summer, he walked across Mass gathering messages from the people to present to the Governor. He was spotlighted in several newspapers and he was able to present the book of messages to the Governor.

Then, in 2008, he walked again. This time it was across the nation, from San Francisco to.. um.. Mass, I think. It was an election year and he wanted to gather messages from the people for the new president. He used Couchsurfer to find places to stay and he camped as well. I'm not sure how many pairs of shoes he went through, but I can imagine it was a lot. He started his walk in the spring and finished in the winter. Just recently he was able to meet with President Obama and give the notebooks of messages to him. When he was give an appointment to meet POTUS instead of flying from Mass for the meeting, he walked and gathered more messages. You can read about his experience here  He stayed with us for two nights during his walk to the White House. A picture of our family is on the above website.

Right now he is the IT guy for a non-profit company. He is also and EMT and volunteers and events like walks and races. And, he is still and active volunteer with the Red Cross. He was even called up to help this past summer.

Here we are in 2000 in Salt Lake City, UT. 

11 years later here he is sitting on my sofa. I love that he's wearing a 

Captain America t-shirt. So appropriate for meeting the President.

Check out my super long hair, oh, and BJ sitting next to me.

I wish I could find the pictures from camp when we first met. That would be fun to see.

BJ is a genuinely good guy and I am happy I know him. He has a talent for telling stories and that keeps me pretty entertained. I can't wait to walk into a bookstore years from now and pick up a book of his memoirs.

Moving on

I really ought to be going to bed, but I want to just sit and write instead. I have lots of different things on my mind that I want to share. The primary feelings that I feel right now are awe and gratitude. I am so blessed. Truly, I am. How did I ever get so lucky to be where I am and know the people I know?

We will be moving at the end of June. The owners of the townhouse we are renting are going to sell and since we can't extend, we are going to buy a house. It's far more affordable to buy than to rent in this area. We've been keeping our eye on the market since we placed an offer on a house last year. We really love the area where we are living and we love our ward and we want to stay. But we couldn't find an affordable home or one we liked. So, we are moving a few miles away. We will be going to church in the same building but to a different ward. I'm sad to be moving wards. It means I have to give up being the camp director. Boo!! The new ward already has a rockin' camp director, so they won't need me. Sigh!

The home we are in the process of buying is pretty cool. LT and I had "lists" of things we wanted in the "next" house we bought and this house has almost all of them. I know the thing I will miss the most about where I'm living now is the kitchen. Seriously, this kitchen is amazing. I want to bring it with me, but, I can't. Our new kitchen is itty bitty. I'm sure I'll survive. However, the kitchen is a small sacrifice to make for a yard where O can play outside and a space for a food garden AND space to have chickens. I kind of chuckle when people respond to me, "Oh yes, fresh eggs. You'll love them". I am looking forward to fresh eggs, but these chickens won't be pets. I plan to eventually eat them too. I wonder what they'd say if I told them that part.

The things we were looking for were a 2 car garage that is actually large enough to park 2 cars and be able to get out of them without hitting the other car. We wanted a yard where O could play and I could see her from the inside. We wanted space for a garden. We wanted it to be large enough that we could invite friends over and not feel crowded. We wanted a basement so we could send the kids to play away from the adults and to chill out in during the summer. We wanted space to be able to store and have it out of the way. I wanted a lot large enough for us to have chickens.

The house has only had one owner. It was custom built and the reason why I like that is it doesn't look like every other house in the neighborhood. It is obvious the house was loved and well maintained. The lady of the house was a gardener. She had a green house build on the side of the garage. I plan to grow wheatgrass to juice and other things to add to smoothies. I think O will enjoy planting and watching things grow too. The yard has a nice variety of trees and plants. It's just really cool. I'd post pictures, but I haven't downloaded them yet.

FHE

Tonight for Family Home Evening, O had the lesson. I'm still not sure what the lesson was about, but she used a whoopee cushion, some of her dolls, a car and a pot.

I was conducting and when I started with announcements O raised her hand, "I have some announcements you don't know about. No watching TV unless it is Once Upon A Time, Veggie Tales or a Jesus movie."

(That's our Sunday rule)

LT responded with, "What about Toy Story 3?" She had watched it earlier on in the day.
"Never mind" She said.