I made my peace with TX.

As I flew in to the San Antonio airport, I had a feeling of dread. I felt a little deflated too. The 4 years I spent in TX was rough and I wasn't excited to visit the place of so many struggles. The first two days I had thoughts that burdened me. I thought of the migraines and ER visits. I thought of the loneliness. I thought of the desperation. I thought of the sickness. It was yucky. And then at the end of a lunch date with some friends, those thoughts started to dispel.

I slowly pushed away the negative with the positive. The silver lining and goodness that was hard to detect when I lived there reminded me, it had always been there.

N- One of the very first people I met before I even moved to SA was, as usual, incredibly generous. She offered me a place to stay. I ended up staying at our house though, her family was stricken with a miserable stomach bug. She did, however, offer to let me use a bazillon of her tools. Seeing her reminded me of her kindness. In the course of 4 years, I spent at least one major holiday with her family, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Years. I'm glad I know her.

A- hosted at lunch for me at her house. I remembered her kindness when she drove me to the airport one Christmas. She got rear ended on the way. I was, of course, panicked. What she did has remained with me ever since. She got out of the car and the girl who rear ended us was crying. Instead of being upset, A gave her a hug to comfort her. I carry that image in my heart. I was a very powerful moment.

There were people I didn't get to see that were a large blessings to me while I was there. One couple who took me in and loved me dearly had moved away. My roommate, who was an answer to prayers had also moved away. A dear friend who supported me and comforted me and taught me, lives elsewhere.

I learned a lot about myself while I lived in SA. I learned about my health, my body, my desires, my marriage and my faith in God. I am a better person because of it. It has taken time to heal from what happened while I was there. But I am now able to see the blessings that were with me.

I made peace there and I won't mind going back.

Before I end this post, I need to share a list. I had a long list of things to accomplish in a short amount of time. I'm going to post it here, just because it feels good to see all that I did. Yay me and yay for lists.

Purchased touch up paint for all of the rooms. 

Touched up the paint in all of the rooms.

Power washed the driveway, sidewalk to the front door, door step and the back patio.

Filled a joint between the front sidewalk and the house.

Tested the sprinkler system.

Pruned the trees.

Stained the fence.

Cleaned the dryer vent.

Placed fill dirt by the fence and patio. (I hauled over 500 lbs, thank you very much)

Removed the fridge.

And, I made at least a dozen trips to each Home Depot and Lowes. People started to recognize me. "Hey, how did that paint work out?"

I got to reward myself with a dinner at Rudy's. Simply the best BBQ in TX. 

O and my pending trip to TX

So, whenever O doesn't like something or want to do something, she calls it ugly. For example, if she doesn't want to eat something, "MOM, I don't want (whatever) it's too UGLY!!!" Or, "I don't want to go to the park, it's too UGLY!!!" I try really hard to hold the laughter in when she's adamant it's ugly. I'm just glad it's her cuss word. I can handle ugly.

The pre school O attends focuses on a letter each week. O has a friend, Torri, and when the letter of the week was "V", Torri insisted she be called by her given name, Victoria. As a result, O informed us she'd changed her name to Victoria. Okay.. The funny part of this story happened at the park. We went to the park one day without our friends so O had to make new friends. She told them her name was Victoria. I heard them calling for her across the playground. I laughed and laughed. Seriously, what a character.

O loves Veggie Tales. One day I asked LT if he wanted cucumber on his salad. O dramatically said, "DON'T eat Larry".

O is REALLY into The Phantom of the Opera right now. She will put it on repeat and sing along. It's really cute, most of the time. Last night, however, she was awake at 3:30, singing.

O started T-Ball. For weeks leading up to it she told me how ugly it was and that she didn't want to play. 3 of her friends are on the team and we knew once she started, she would really like it. The day of the first  practice she decided it wasn't ugly anymore.

I have no clue what she is doing in this picture. But it's funny.

Getting her hat from Coach Joe

Practicing the swing.

CONTACT!!

In other news, I'm going to TX this week to do some maintenance on our home there. We are in between tenants so it's the perfect time. I've had mixed feelings leading up to this trip, and even a nightmare. TX was a hard place for me. I realize what I experienced there could have happened anywhere we lived. I can honestly say, it was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I was tried and tested. So, I'm not thrilled to return to the place that holds many bad memories. And on the flip side, my experiences brought me to a level of faith that I that really sealed me to the Lord. A part of me is settled about going back so I can appreciate who I am now. I met some genuinely salt of the earth people there and I'm excited to connect with them again. If I have time when I return, I'll post about my experiences there.

Our house, O and her hair.

Ah, the good life! We will be moving in a couple of months to a property that has just about all that we've wanted in a house. Our closing date is quite some time away, but we've received permission to clear vines and debris from the yard. So, we've spent a couple of hours each week clearing the back 40. ha ha ha. At least, that is what it feels like. Here are some pictures I took while we were there last Saturday. I'd like to take you on a mini tour of our soon to be home.

Here is the doghouse which is across from the garage. O is CONVINCED we are getting a dog. We are NOT getting a dog, but we do plan to get chickens. I'm working on clearing the fenced area so we can try the chickens in there.

Here is the greenhouse that is attached to the garage. I'm so very, very excited to get busy in there. I plan to grow wheatgrass so I can juice it and use it in my green smoothies. (Side note about green smoothies at the Hill household. When I started making them, O refused to drink them based on the color, and you know what, I couldn't blame her. They didn't look so appealing. Since I really wanted to get more veggies in our diet I had to get sneaky and make them when she was out of the kitchen. I put hers in a colored cup with a lid and she drank from a straw. Today, she saw me make it, and it was a bright green one today and she actually drank the entire smoothie. Hooray for success.)

Here is the path from the driveway to the addition to the front house. O calls the addition her ballroom or dance hall. When you see a picture from the inside, you'll know why.

Here is the ballroom from the front of the house.

The ballroom once again. You can see more of the house in this picture. LTs truck is in the driveway by the garage.

This is on the side of the house opposite the dog house. The driveway to our home is not pictured but would be on the right. You can't see the main road in this picture, but it is at the top of the hill.

If you pan right from the previous picture this is what you see. The driveway is beyond the ivy. You can also see our neighbors house past the trees.

One of the pretty dogwood blossoms in the front yard.

This is a view of a portion of the backyard. We've got a lot of clearing to do to get it how we want it.

This is the backyard and I am walking toward the greenhouse and garage.

More backyard.

The little roof on the right is the doghouse. The greenhouse is on the left at the edge of the house.

And here, my friends, is the

GRAND BALLROOM!!

It has 5 sets of sliding glass doors.

Here is the former front door of the home. The ballroom is behind me. You can see into the hallway and you can even see a chair at the kitchen table.

O has become intensely interested in doing her own hair. Most days she sneaks off into her bathroom and comes out with just about every thing she owns pinned on her head. I get a real kick out of it and I don't tell her to take it out. I love that she likes to play with how it looks. Here are some pictures of just one of her creations. Enjoy. (Also, she is wearing her favorite dress from last summer and she is determined to wear it every day of this summer. You may see a lot of it.)

Moody

Well, March holds the recent record for migraines. I ended up taking medicine over 17 times. That's a bit scary since my insurance only allows 9 pills a month. It's a good thing I have an exception from that rule. The reason why I'm bringing it up is because when I have to take an imitrex at night, I can't take one of my anxiety pills.  I missed a day here and there, and then I ended up missing 2 days in a row. A few days later, I had to deal with the moods.

(One of my friends is really open about her struggles with her MI and reading her blog posts remind me I'm not all that crazy and I'm not alone in my mood swing world. I know I don't have many readers on this blog, but I do know some of them and I do know they struggle with some of the same things. My hope in posting this is, it will help them in a way my friends blog helps me.)

So, back to the mood story. There is nothing worse and more inconvenient than having to leave reality and live in the murky world of depression. I'm so grateful I know enough to recognize when I'm not in my healthy mind, but it is still very annoying. I just want to open up and tell someone I'm feeling down, but I'm afraid they don't want to hear it, which is, ironically, part of the mood swing.

The first part of the mood swing brought a lot of weepiness, over the silliest things too. Then, the depression hit. I'm still able to function but my mind is filled with all sorts of horrible thoughts that are magnified and big. It's like all of my insecurities are brought up and waved in front of my face to shame me.  I'm too weird. I'm not like anyone else. People don't like me. I never know what to say and end up saying the wrong thing. No one invites me to do things with them. I'm not likable, and on and on. Aren't those thoughts just terrible? Like I stated before, I'm blessed to know the healthy reality that exists outside of the mood.

Also, the feeling of hopelessness is heavy. It's hard to laugh. I end up being grumpy for a bit. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything. I'm still responsible and do things,  it just takes a lot more effort than usual. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. At least, I know it's all chemical, it will resolve itself soon and I'll be okay.

I realize all of this is depressing to read, but here comes the best part. The mood eventually goes away. What great news! And when it does go away, I'm always in awe of how ugly those feelings were and I delight that they are gone. I know everyone has things in life that they just have to deal with, and this is mine. I don't feel like I'm the victim of some horrible injustice. I'm just grateful it's something I can handle. I can think of a bazillion other things I'd rather not deal with. This one is mine and that's okay.