Moody

Well, March holds the recent record for migraines. I ended up taking medicine over 17 times. That's a bit scary since my insurance only allows 9 pills a month. It's a good thing I have an exception from that rule. The reason why I'm bringing it up is because when I have to take an imitrex at night, I can't take one of my anxiety pills.  I missed a day here and there, and then I ended up missing 2 days in a row. A few days later, I had to deal with the moods.

(One of my friends is really open about her struggles with her MI and reading her blog posts remind me I'm not all that crazy and I'm not alone in my mood swing world. I know I don't have many readers on this blog, but I do know some of them and I do know they struggle with some of the same things. My hope in posting this is, it will help them in a way my friends blog helps me.)

So, back to the mood story. There is nothing worse and more inconvenient than having to leave reality and live in the murky world of depression. I'm so grateful I know enough to recognize when I'm not in my healthy mind, but it is still very annoying. I just want to open up and tell someone I'm feeling down, but I'm afraid they don't want to hear it, which is, ironically, part of the mood swing.

The first part of the mood swing brought a lot of weepiness, over the silliest things too. Then, the depression hit. I'm still able to function but my mind is filled with all sorts of horrible thoughts that are magnified and big. It's like all of my insecurities are brought up and waved in front of my face to shame me.  I'm too weird. I'm not like anyone else. People don't like me. I never know what to say and end up saying the wrong thing. No one invites me to do things with them. I'm not likable, and on and on. Aren't those thoughts just terrible? Like I stated before, I'm blessed to know the healthy reality that exists outside of the mood.

Also, the feeling of hopelessness is heavy. It's hard to laugh. I end up being grumpy for a bit. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything. I'm still responsible and do things,  it just takes a lot more effort than usual. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. At least, I know it's all chemical, it will resolve itself soon and I'll be okay.

I realize all of this is depressing to read, but here comes the best part. The mood eventually goes away. What great news! And when it does go away, I'm always in awe of how ugly those feelings were and I delight that they are gone. I know everyone has things in life that they just have to deal with, and this is mine. I don't feel like I'm the victim of some horrible injustice. I'm just grateful it's something I can handle. I can think of a bazillion other things I'd rather not deal with. This one is mine and that's okay.